Good Evening to Everyone EXCEPT For People Who Do The Following to First Time Parents

...if you're one of those people, now would be a good time to stoppit.

Hi. I have an axe to grind, and since someone I care about is being personally affected by this issue, you all get to hear about it now.

If you’re a parent who became a parent by either you or your spouse carrying and giving birth to your child/children, you’ve probably been on the receiving end of the thing I’m fussing about today.

Let’s say you’re pregnant. It’s your first baby, and you’re stoked! You’ve wanted to be a parent for so long, and it’s finally happened for you. Less than fun pregnancy symptoms aside, you’re supposed to be able to be just enjoy preparing to meet this new tiny person you’re eagerly waiting to rearrange your life for.

But.

The comments.

The digs.

The unhelpful snide remarks from people who CLEARLY should not have had children if they were so miserable that they’re still holding it against their grown offspring.

“Better sleep now! You’re never gonna do that again.”

“Did you stock up on earplugs? Those buggers never shut up.”

“Hope you’ve enjoyed eating whatever you want, you’re gonna be eating McDonald’s for the next 18 years.”

“*sleazy chuckle* You’ll spend the next two years trying to teach them to stand up and talk, then the next 16 trying to make them sit down and shut up.”

And my all time favorite

“Your life is over.”

If you don’t mind, I would like to ever-so-delicately invite you to fuck all the way off out of this lovely solar system with that stinking load of horse shite.

“Oh stop, I’m just kidding–”

No, YOU stop. Right the fuck now.

Sit down, and listen to a seasoned mother tell you exactly why what you did is not only NOT funny, it’s actively harmful.

When parents are expecting a new human, they are carrying the weight of the world on their shoulders. They are responsible for the life of an entire human, and unless they’re total assholes, they take that seriously. If the person you’re taunting is also pregnant, their brain is soaking in a marinade of weird hormones that they don’t usually have coursing through their body, certainly not at these levels.

Adding to their stress level by not only reminding them of the harder aspects of being a parent (sleeping less, more noise stimulation, feeding picky eaters, etc), but by blowing it out of proportion and making it sound like the act of being a parent is a miserable slog through a mire of soul-sucking muck?

I’m sorry, but… who hurt you?

You’re going to send people who are probably already anxious down a path that sets them up to be resentful of their child. Doubly so if the person you’re word-vomiting on is planning to be a single parent.

You, sir/madam/not-so-distinguished individual, are an asshat. I sure hope your grown children have never heard you speaking this way, but if you’ve been wondering why they never call? This conversation should answer that question for you.

Newborn phase is hard. Duh, of course it is. You’ve never met this person, and they’re already a whole person, they just have ZERO ability to communicate their needs to you outside of crying. They can’t sleep long, because their stomach is the size of their tiny fist and doesn’t keep them full for very long.

Parenting children is HARD. It just is.

But.

When you want to be parenting those children?

When you treat your children as people who are learning instead of as a nuisance to be endured?

This right here. This is just the fucking BEST.

Man, oh man.

So I believe in magic. I’m a bit of a witchy woman. As a girl my aunt was CONVINCED that I spoke with faeries, and I have multiple friends who will tell you that they can’t prove that I’m somehow a fae descendant. Magic is real.

And I know it’s real.

Because the look on my oldest son’s face when he realized that he can make music?

Or the little sprite’s smile that reaches all the way to my daughter’s eyes?

Or the delighted giggle I heard when my youngest child realized that he can MOVE?

That, my friends. That was magical.

Know what else is magical?

Watching my Hippie turn into a father.

Why do you think I have three kids instead of just the one? He’s just too good at dadding.

So to my friends who are expecting who are trying to hold onto their joy amidst the bombarding negative messages; keep holding on. I promise the joy FAR outweighs the yuck.

And if someone tries again to shove their negative views on the existence of children in their own life down your throat?

Send them my way. I just want to talk.

Until next time, dear readers.

-XOXO,

Jess

P.S. The recipe for the Hippie’s taco meat is going out next week! Make sure you’ve jumped over to a paid subscription before then if you want in on that goodness.