It's been a minute.

Or "hello, I've been real quiet lately."

Hi, friends.

Yes, I’m still here. My brain has just been recalibrating, and it turns out that I needed some time and space from the things I’d been writing about.

The world has been extra heavy for a while now, and while I do believe it’s important to continue talking about what’s been happening, and how white supremacy is destroying America; I needed to step away.

When my grandmother passed away in late June, I didn’t anticipate my mind being affected the way it has been.

Grief is grief, and you never really know how it’s going to affect you, because that motherfucker doesn’t follow a damn rule one.

…but I really didn’t expect it to bite me the way it did this time.

If you read between the lines of my tribute to her, you probably gleaned that my grandmother and I weren’t super close. Loved each other? Absolutely. But close? No.

However.

Her passing has fundamentally altered my sense of how time and space work.

I don’t know how to explain it without sounding like a crazy person, but apparently when wee me’s brain built her understanding of life and how things fit together, my grandmother was a crucial piece of the foundation that the rest of said understanding was built on top of.

And now that she’s gone, all of the pieces that were built on top of her piece have been shaken loose and are still settling.

I guess in my mind, I really did think she was going to live forever, which makes sense if you knew her.

More than ever before, I’ve caught myself staring off into space when I’m “supposed” to be drafting something for my Substack, and when I check the clock after I “come to,” it’s been over an hour.

Time blindness is a classic ADHD trait that I’m used to working around, but it’s like someone turned the volume on that bitch all the way up to 11.

Just making myself check a calendar in my phone can take 15 minutes or more, nevermind researching today’s Fresh Hell enough to gather my thoughts, type them out, find an appropriate image, and hit “publish.”

My brain has also just been bummed out (putting it mildly, but you feel me), and with the added piece of time and space getting a little extra wibbly wobbly, it was just getting too messy in there for me to be able to do all of the things that I’m used to being able to do in a day.

All that said, with my being a mother to 3 children (2 of whom have special needs that require significant interventions) and having taken on more teaching hours over the summer, my personal writing has fallen to the wayside while my brain rebuilds itself a little bit. I needed space from being constantly in the know on everything that is happening so that I could be the parent my children need, and the teacher that my students deserve.

I’m going to try to start dipping my toes back in the metaphorical water here, but my priority list is the following:

1. Make sure my family feel seen and loved by me.

2. Make art that makes me feel alive.

3. Make words that make sense of what’s happening.

If I can’t keep up with all of the things, thing number 3 is what’s going to get dropped.

But god knows I’m not great at staying quiet.

I’ll be here, just know that I may need to dip out here and there to let my brain process and recalibrate.

Thanks for being patient with me, friends.

Until next time, dear readers.

I’ve never met a dog that hugs the way Val does, but her puppy hugs have been very needed this month.

—XOXO,

Jess